It’s been quite some time since I’ve done a week of truth. Not cumming has made me feel a little bit like I’m in a 12-step program. For this “week of truth” I need to make some apologies. Especially since I’m working on my sex energy stuffs. AND I’m going to share some of my dancing, just a tinsy bit. Even though most of the people I’m apologizing to won’t read or even know I have this blog–sometimes the universe allows for us to find things and so perhaps one or a few will come across this someday. If not, I think it’s still helpful to put it out there as I should’ve apologized a long time ago.
Back in college:
I had a lover for a while in college; we were both madly in love with other people at the time. I cared for him a lot, he’s beautiful, smart and politically on point. I loved fucking him. But sometimes he would want to just spend time with me talking, and I always hated that shit. Continue reading
It’s been 15 days since my last ‘peak’ orgasm. This is huge for me—I have never gone more than 4 days without cumming since my adolescence. And if it was that many days I was probably really depressed and suicidal. I can officially be called a tantra practitioner now! There are a few truths that have become apparent for me during this time. I wrote about rigidity, freedom and trauma in a recent post. There’s more than one truth; there’s an infinite number of truths. Sometimes we can only see one, and when it’s time we become aware of others.
I’ve had some time to reflect and become aware of some of the darkness around my insistence and intensity around specific types of sexual pleasure. I knew from the time I was a child that sexual play and arousal would be an important part of my life. When I experienced my first orgasm (I was laying on the couch grinding on my favorite teddy bear when the explosion happened–taking all of the wind out of me and I fell asleep right there), I knew that I would always want to please myself in that way. And even though I didn’t even know what my genitals looked like, I knew I could find pleasure in it–great amounts of pleasure that made me happy and giddy and light and full. Continue reading
Light-skinned niggaz be trippin!
Babaaláwo told me to watch what I say. Before I said anything about who I was he laughed at me and said, “You march to the beat of your own drummer, don’t you? People call you strange.” When he did my numbers he told me I had a wild and intense sex energy. “Do you write? You need to be,” he said before I could answer. “It is imperative that you write. This isn’t about you.” I told him I’m good at being lazy; that I hate discipline, order. He explained that my fear of being tied-down or caged in or forced into a boring routine is not the same as discipline. That discipline should always create more freedom. I asked him how the hell is that possible? We spent a lot of time together; I thought he was flirting with me; he thought I was flirting with him. He came back two days later with more. “Your ancestors were calling me hard,” I laughed. “Word, tell ’em I said wussup.” There were words spoken that I had had an inkling of–quiet palabras que me llenaba de esperanza, que me llenaba del poder. There were words I had never heard before; something inside of my body is healing itself, that’s why there’s blood. Continue reading
There are certain things I avoid writing about on this here blog. But after 8 days with no orgasm, things come up that you didn’t know was there. This, however, shouldn’t be read as a sad story. For four years I was sexually assaulted by a cousin beginning at age 11. In a really close knit family like mine, with our family get togethers and sleep overs with all the kids, it happened often enough over those years. Continue reading
There’s a lot in tantra that I can’t explore without a partner but there are a few practices that I can take part in on my own. Exploring tantra as a single person is interesting and I’ve noticed that my approach to sexuality and pleasure has been stunted for a long, long time. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy sex, experience great lovers, get copious amounts of pleasure from playing with myself and/or others–but my ability to control and sustain my orgasms is pretty much non-existent– Continue reading